SPECIAL REPORT: MAGISTRATE SEVALA’S SHIP NAMES REVEAL DICTATORIAL TENDENCIES!
Year 24, Day 144, Zrak
The authoritarian noose around the Confederacy’s neck tightens further, as a shocking revelation by our dauntless reporters puts Confederate Triumvirate’s member Truse’vala’ilone’s true nature on full display. Our carefully placed sources within our noble and brave navy shed a light on the apparent megalomaniac and narcissistic tendencies of the Chiss, as they have unveiled to our noble editorial that multiple capital ships within the Confederacy’s fleet have been forcibly named after the Magistrate himself. Indeed, your optical organs read that correctly, and do not think it is merely the usual display of vanity on part of the rich and powerful. The insights of our carefully selected expert psychologist will shock you!
To understand the severity of this revelation, we have to examine the information that our sources have shared with us. According to naval officers and janitorial staff serving aboard the affected capital ships, the Magistrate’s alien and foreign name has been imposed onto at least three Kandosii-class dreadnoughts fresh off the assembly lines. Yet, the Chiss had to deepen the already revolting level of depravity by not merely defiling the vessels of our proud navy with his unpronounceable and strange name, but also by showcasing his deeply rooted insanity with the names his dark and evidently disturbed mind has produced. The Sevala’s Kan Do Attitude, the Sevala’s Secretly Fenced Kandosii, and the Sevalarama’s Dreamboat, are these names not a sign of a severely unsettling mental instability? We have posed the question to our editorial’s resident psychiatrist.
“Do not mistake this act as a sign of lunacy or psychosis, as I believe a much more sinister psychological mechanism is at play here,” shared Dr. Peyd Oph with our reporters during an interview, who is a brilliant psychological expert currently unjustly persecuted by the Confederacy’s supposed academic elite for his revolutionary ideas and theorems, no doubt on orders of the Confederate Triumvirate. “You see, throughout history, autocrats and dictators have yearned to stamp their mark on every part of the society they rule over. We have seen instances of this during the Republic’s Pius Dea era, when countless educational institutions, memorial sites, and public spaces were named after the Constipex chancellors. Or perhaps much closer to our borders, in the Tion Hegemony during the reign of Xim the Despot. There was scarcely a new street or plaza that did not sing Xim’s praise, whether its occupants joined that choir or not.”
Is this a sign that Magistrate Sevala has managed to conceal his dictatorial tendencies up until this point, fooling us all into believing his appointment to the Triumvirate might blow a wind of change through the stale stink of the government’s corruption? “I do not believe the Magistrate’s authoritarian streak was hidden at all,” answers Dr. Oph. “It was your noble editorial that unveiled the true circumstances behind Sevala’s ascendance to the Confederate Triumvirate. Winning the seat in a game of chance? That is a clear sign of a ruthless and ambitious streak that knows no bounds of morality or ethics. Not to mention that all the despots and villains in the galaxy have been notoriously addicted to gambling. Take Naga Sadow and Ludo Kressh, for example. Mainstream historians would like you to believe that their succession struggle was decided by a fearsome duel on the steps to the Valley of the Dark Lords, but that is complete bantha poodoo! What really happened was a high stakes pazaak match between the two would-be Dark Lords of the Sith, just like Sevala outmatched Logas during their Sabacc match.”
A shocking revelation with a disturbing implication. Yet, our editorial is convinced that not even the expert opinion of such a renowned and infallible scholar will sway the opinion of Sevala’s most fervent – or should we say “brainwashed” – supporters. To that end, our reporters have interviewed some of the sources who have bravely come forward with the deeply unsettling truth about the Magistrate’s authoritarian tendencies.
“When I enlisted to serve, I expected to be able to serve with pride and dignity,” confides one of the naval officers who broke the story with pain and grief visible on his expression. “But it’s becoming unbearable to be met with yet another round of laughter from officers stationed on other ships when I tell them I serve aboard Sevalarama’s Dreamboat. I hear the echoes of their laughter even in my dreams. In my dreams!”
Another brave individual we interviewed is stationed aboard the Sevala’s Secretly Fenced Kandosii as a member of the janitorial staff. Out of fear for their life, they insisted on remaining anonymous. “You know, I don’t think it’s just the ships that are being named after the Magistrate,” confides the janitor timidly to our reporters. “The battle droids aboard this ship have been acting strange, almost as if they have been reprogrammed! Some have referred to themselves as Sevala’s Sexy Manka Cat, while another insisted I refer to it as Sevala’s Trusty Dump Truck! And I saw them doing these weird handshakes when changing guards, no doubt Chiss in nature, and then whisper conspiratorially ‘Hail Sevala’. Another time I overheard a patrol marching down the hallway and singing military tunes praising Sevala. I swear I was totally sober during all those times, not a drop of Corellian Ale!”
In light of these disturbing revelations, we have reached out to Magistrate Sevala’s office for a reaction in regard to these serious allegations. In true authoritarian fashion, the Magistrate’s representatives have declined any comment and refused to even receive our reporters. Yet, could we expect from someone with such an obvious dictatorial nature to believe in the freedom of press or information?
It is clear that the Confederacy has not learned from its past mistakes during the Clone Wars, when it rested its fate in the hands of an all-powerful Count who had failed to fulfill his promises of glory and greatness. “It is a common tendency among dictators and despots to make grand gestures and promises, which they never fulfill. It is how they attempt to appease the masses and hide their incompetence,” notes Dr. Oph after being presented with the testimonies of our sources.
Our editorial will not be deceived by your false promises and pretty lies, Magister Sevala. Our eye is on you, and you will not escape our scrutiny.